Schooling While Mothering.

I never dreaded returning to school. I never longed for the summer to be eternal. I was always very excited. New clothes, new supplies, new classes. The sweetness of the promise that this could be The Year.

AB was promoted to the next level of classes and she has been over the moon because now she is with the Big Kids. I’m jealous of her eagerness. The eagerness to learn, to do something new, to play. Her inquisitive nature has grown exponentially. She wants to know why things are they way they are. Why leaves are on the ground, why the moon is in the sky, why there is a fence around the grass, why that woman’s hair is pink…why, why, why? I do pretty well at first, but there is always another “why” waiting for me, so I eventually I must concede, “Well, I’m not really sure.” I have yet to reach the point of exasperation with all these whys because I find it fascinating.

All this leads me caused me to reevaluate my approach to law school as this past year was quite haphazard. I fluctuated between approaching it like a job then trying to be like the other students and it just plain did not work. I was left exhausted and frustrated. However, I did learn some valuable lessons that I’ve been able to implement this year which have made for a much smoother ride on this road called Schooling While Mothering.

1. Plan as if your life depended on it (because frankly, it does). Others may see you as anal or foolish, but your sanity depends on your life running like a well-oiled machine. Plus, if you have a routine down, then life’s hiccups (i.e. sick kid) will be much more manageable.

2. Carve out quality time for you just and the kiddo. I find that dinnertime and bedtime are the easiest ones during the week. While the weekend is precious study time make sure to set aside a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to take kiddo to the park, zoo or library. I mean, how often does kiddo get to hang out with you while the sun it out? It’s more quality time and it gets them tuckered out enough for their naps which gives you more productive study time…or procrastination time in which you veg out because you have managed to tucker yourself out as well.

3. Get up early and go to bed late. Acknowledge that coffee is your drug of choice and forever will be until you kids are at least 30 years old. I have come to believe that as long as there is a being in the world who calls you “Mom” or any variation of it, you will never get any rest.

4. Incorporate kiddo into study time at least once a week. There will be times when you just have to get some work down around the kiddo. To prevent pulling one’s hair out from all the interruptions, set up kiddo with some sort of activity and impress upon them the importance of that activity (i.e. ask them to draw the best dinosaur then can or fill the paper with as many squares as they can.) This will get you at least a good 10 to 15 minutes of uninterrupted studying.

5. Make time for you and take one night off a week. Turn off your brain. Watch or read something that requires as little thought as possible. Guilty pleasure it up to your heart’s content. Yes, that means go ahead and read/watch Twilight (even though you know you are to daggone old and the writing/acting is far from impressive) and eat that entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice cream (even though it way too expensive and totally unhealthy).

Bottom line: It’s only mothering…it’s not like your running a country or anything. (At least that’s what I keep telling myself.)

Do Not Eat.

Yesterday, I had settled into my seat on the train with my book prepared for a good 40 minute ride. At the next stop a pleasant yet dishelved looking woman got on and sat down beside me. Once the train started moving again, she squirted various fruity smelling santizers and lotions into her hand which she slathered on herself. I was slightly annoyed by the overpowering smell, but I got over it.

But then…

She pulled out a crinkly Starbucks bag, plunged her hand into its depths and pulled out a large bulbous muffin of some variety.  She then proceeded to consume said muffin, chomping noisly as crumbs tumbled down the front of her dress into her voluminous bag.  This was repeated over and over and over until finally the muffin had disappeared and she noisly crumpled the bag  and stuffed it into her bag.  Then she decided that she needed something from the bottomless pit of a bag. Objects and papers were pulled out and put back in only for a different set of objects and papers to be removed and then placed back in the bag. Finally she pulled out her iPhone and a water bottle. This whole rigmarole took a good 30 minutes. Basically the majority of my ride.

We have all done annoying things on the train at one point or another. If you travel on the train frequently enough, it is bound to happen. However, there are just certain rules of train etiquette that should not be broken. Eating on the train is one of them. I believe that this rule should be enforced not because people inevitably spill things or fail to pick up after themselves. It should be enforced simply because it is an affront to the senses. Either the person is incredibly noisy (whether it be the paper bag, wrapper or just noisy chewing), or the smell of the food fills the entire car (even if the food smells good, there is a reason that no one has successfully marketed the fragrance of burger) or the person is a disgusting eater (food should be chewed in closed mouths, people, and don’t bite off more than you can chew). 

I mean, I get it. You’re a busy person and your hungry. You’re a multitasker. Why not travel and eat at the same time. I understand. However, understanding this practice does not mean that I have to like it or accept it.  But, alas there is nothing that I can do about it. Am I about to give up my seat because my seatmate is chowing down? Um, no. But I will give the occassional dirty look. Who knows, perhaps this stealth mission of shaming each offender  that crosses my path one dirty look at a time will bring down the Train Eaters.

Good Cop + Bad Cop = Me.

The kid sure knows how to pull at the heart strings.

“I love you! I want you! I want yooooou!”

Granted these nuggets of undying devotion only come out with such passion when she is on a time out. When she sees that I am unswayed and not returning to her room, she turns on me.

There is a period of time where all I hear from her room are sorrow-filled ululations which quickly turn into cries for family members who cannot hear her. I am sure that if she had a clear concept of God and the heavens she would be appealing to them as well.

“I don’t like you! I want Grandma! Grandmaaaaaaa! Grandpaaaaa! I want Uncle Briiiiiii! Aunt TTTTTTTTTT!”

But alas no one come to her rescue. Her cries simmer down to whimpers and sniffles which then settle into silence. A few moments later she will either emerge with tear-streaked cheeks, shuffle over to me and fling herself headfirst into my lap whispering a muffled “Sorry…” or I will peek my head into her room and find her asleep in bed surrounded by her stuffed animals with her blanket pulled up to her chin.

Whatever the outcome, I always feel a sense of triumph. “Haha, I win! You cannot beat me, little one. I am the adult here. Ha and ha!”

But here is the problem. I feel this every single time my discipline works. I can talk a mean game and I can carry it out too, but I am always surprised when it works. Perhaps it is because there is always the moment when in the midst of it, I want to give up. Thrown in the towel. Say, “Fine, have the daggone piece of candy!” or “Fine, wear your swimsuit and rainboots and nothing else to school. Who cares that it’s snowing outside!” But I don’t and that is usually when she turns the corner.

Multiple times a week I feel like we are acting out this scene from Kramer v. Kramer.

Ted Kramer: [while Billy brings ice cream to the table] You go right back and put that right back until you finish your dinner… I’m warning you, you take one bite out of that and you are in big trouble. Don’t… Hey! Don’t you dare… Don’t you DARE do that. You hear me? Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, VERY big trouble. Don’t you dare go anywhere beyond that… Put it down right now. I am not going to say it again. I am NOT going to say it AGAIN.
[Billy eats ice cream]
Billy Kramer: [Ted picks him up] Ow! You’re hurting me!
Ted Kramer: OW! Don’t you kick me!
Billy Kramer: I hate you!
Ted Kramer: You’re no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I’ll tell you right now…
Billy Kramer: I hate you!
Ted Kramer: And I hate you back, you little shit!
Billy Kramer: I want my mommy!
Ted Kramer: I’m all you got.

And I feel horribly. How can you feel that way about your own child? But I do. Well, I don’t hate her. But I very strongly disliker her during those moments. Those are the moments when I wish I could just drop her on her father’s doorstep and say, “Here you deal with her because I can’t.” And I imagine that you can probably do that in a marriage. Leave that kid with the other parent and drive off into the sunset for a little while and return when a cooler head has prevailed. But I can’t do that.

So sometimes, I give myself a time out. I lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the shower as hot as it will go and give myself a stern talking to or say all the things that I wish I could say, but cannot because she’s only three and a half for gosh sakes. Once the mirror has steamed up, I have usually deflated all my own hot air and am okay enought to open the door.

Where is AB during my time out, you ask? On the other side of the door vacillating between crying for me to come out and asking if I’m okay and if I accidently locked myself in the bathroom. When I emerge she is always quite happy to see me and willing to talk about what went wrong. She will give me a run through of the prior ten minutes, “Annabelle threw the books and Froggie and Mommy said to pick them up and Annabelle said NO! and was put on time out and then Mommy locked herself in the bathroom by axident.”

Suffice it to say, while I have gotten much better at discipline over the past year, I am by no means a master. While it is clear that AB does not hold a grudge (with me anyway), I know that she is in no way being scarred by me being a consistent disciplinarian or, dare I say, a mean mom at times. I just wish that I didn’t feel like such a baby about it myself. Hurt feelings have no place in motherhood, right? Kids are always going to say things that they don’t mean. Heck, I constantly say things that I don’t mean in my bathroom time-out rants. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster though. I go from sadness that she is so upset, then frustration that she thought she could get away with it, then anger that she thinks that I am so horrible that she requires some sort of stealth rescue mission, then relief when it is over which is quickly followed by the dread that it is inevitably going to happen again.

I need to grow a thicker skin. Pronto.

The Name Game.

I took AB to the Taste of Chicago this past Sunday. We ate overpriced cheesecake and “Chicago-style” hot dogs, but had a good time nonetheless. I realized as we were walking were about to walk into the mass of Taste of Chicagoers that this excursion could be disasterous. A friend had told me of her son getting lost in Target and then I thought of when I got lost in a Home Depot and wound up holding the hand of a stranger who I thought was my father. (My dad has conveniently forgotten this event, suggesting that I dreamed it. Incredible jedi mind tricks is what I call that. I am not ashamed to say that I use it on AB as well. I learned from the best.)

 What if AB got lost?! So, we stepped to the side and I did a quick Safety101, which I realize in hindsight would not have worked at all, but I needed the assurance.

“You need to hold hands with Mommy at all times, okay? But just in case, what’s your name?”

“Annabelle R____!”

“Awesome. And what is my name?”

“Mommy.”

“Riiiight. But Mommy also has another name. Mommy’s name is Tiffany Hayes.”

“You’re not Stephanie Hanes. You’re Mommy, silly.”

After about 5 minutes she got it and we went on our way. I pointed out what the policemen looked like and that she should find one of them if she got lost. She nodded like she got it, but I know she didn’t. Thankfully, she held my hand the entire time. I think that the crowd scared her into behaving.

Last night we were having our quiet reading time on the couch, (me- Lincoln by Gore Vidal, her- a stack of Arthur books from the series by Marc Brown). Apropos of nothing, she looked over at me and said, “What’s your name again?”

Ruh-roh.

“Mommy.”

“No, your other name.”

“Um, Tiffany Hayes.”

“Tiffany Hayes, can I please have some milk?”

Egad. After an incredibly inept explanation that she only needs to use my other name if she cannot find me when we are out, she seemed satisfied and reverted back to her various forms of “Mom” depending on her wants, needs and moods.

But my name resurfaced right before she fell asleep. We were into our third bedtime book when she closed it and said, “I’m going to take a nap.”

Alrighty, then. Rarely, does “night-night” happen so smoothly. I was about to celebrate with some ice cream and more SVU, when she stopped me.

“Hey! Lay down.” Damn. It turns out that this “I’m going to take a nap” was code for, “I’m going to turn my back on you and close my eyes but you still have to lay next to me because it is your motherly duty.” So, I laid down.

She turned to face me and pressed her nose against mine. “We are best friends. Tiffany Hayes and Annabelle are best friends.”

Tiffany Hayes’ heart in that moment = completely melted.

In the Absence of Kinks.

AB’s  hair is chesnut brown with streaks of auburn that only show up when in the right amount of light. Her curls are loose yet defined. They are the curls that the kinks of my hair long to be. Her hair can be brushed into subtle waves. When wet it will spring back into its natural curl but longer.  Thankfully, she will never experience the burn of the hot comb, curling iron or relaxer. I live vicariously through her and let it lie as she flips it back out of her face with a grown up flair that it is apparently inherent in those with blessed with long hair. My mother worries that AB will become vain about her hair, while I worry that I will become (have already become) vain about her hair.

While pregnant, I wondered incessantly about what she would look like. What would her coloring be? Would she have her father’s blue eyes and my kinky ‘fro? Would she be a beautiful mix of the two of us, or would the concoction of the two of us come out all wrong, uneven, a sign of our failed relationship?

I gave birth to white baby with straight hair and big brown eyes. I deconstructed her parts into mine and his until she was no longer a baby but simply another belonging to be divided. I got the eyes, the nose, the smile. He got the ears, the eyelashes, the feet, the build. We split the hair – the curls from me, the texture (or lack thereof) from him. Her complexion has darkened thanks to sun and age; however she is still, and forever shall remain, darker than him but lighter than me.

Despite finding these elements of me in her, I still fail to see the resemblance. But then, I think about how I don’t think that I really look like either of my parents. There are no “spitting images” in my family. There are glimpses and fragments that  appear and disappear. Wispy ghosts of resemblances. 

This hair gives her anonymity. I like that she can slide through cultures with an ease that I cannot. She has been mistaken for a Latina (Dominican, Spanish, Mexican, you name it), an Indian (her surname, apparently, is quite common in India), and a Native American (“Oh, she’s got that Cherokee blood, right?”).

This mixture of African, Irish and Italian has given her a worldwide hue. I imagine her with her long multiracial hair tied up in a knot at the nape of her neck, backpack filled to the brim, notebook and pen in one hand and a camera in the other, traveling the world. I imagine that I have presented her with a key that will allow her to traverse this globe and be accepted by all. I picture her slipping in and out of cultural identities as she currently slips in and out of imaginary worlds from Sesame Street with Bert and Ernie to Priscilla’s Pink Planet.

She is the physical manifestion of what I wanted to experience in my youth. There is no pressure upon her to be black. There is no pressure on her to be white. She can be a chameleon and choose whatever she wants to be. This is my unintentional gift to her. This freedom that stems from the absence of kinks.

AB’s Bookshelf.

AB is an artiste extraordinaire. Be it crayon, water color, pen, pencil or pasta sauce, she can create a masterpiece within a matter of minutes. I envy her ability to just have at it. There is no agony or deliberation over what she is going to create. She just grabs a piece of paper, her instrument of choice and creates. She has a gallery in our kitchen of her best stuff. Now this isn’t a My Kid Could Paint That kind of situation. She won’t be paid in anything other than praise for this work anytime soon. But it is something that she seeems to truly enjoy, so I encourage it. Not with (ridicuously overpriced) art classes, but by ensuring that she will never run out of fresh paper and a case of Crayola. In honor of AB’s artsy side, this edition of AB’s Bookshelf showcases art and creativity.

1. ish by Peter H. Reynolds: When Ramon’s older brother teases him about his one of his drawings, it leads to a mean case of artist block. Ramon finds himself struggling to draw. He gets some new perspective though when he realizes that his little sister has been keeping his discarded drawings and putting them on her wall. Sure he was trying to draw a vase of flowers and it didn’t look exactly like the vase of flowers but it was vase-ish. This realization frees Ramon to draw without worry.  Reynolds illustrations are simple and fluid which fits the story perfectly. Reynolds is also the author/ilustrator of The Dot which has a similar theme of allowing a new perspective to get the creative juices flowing again. His books are inspirational without being hokey. He is campaigning to make the world a more creative place. He is co-owner of The Blue Bunny, a delightful children’s bookstore in Dedham, MA.  Quality.
2. A Day With No Crayons written by Elizabeth Rusch and illustrated by Chad Cameron: One day, Liza, a prolific crayon artiste with an adorable beret, runs out of paper. So she moves on to the next best thing, a nice big blank canvas…that also happens to be a wall in her room. Needless to say, her mother is far from pleased  and takes Liza’s crayon bucket away for the rest of the day. Liza stumbles about in a gray funk inadvertently creating splashes of color with ordinary things: toothpaste, mud, grass. After realizes this, and creating some cool rainbow pants, she sets off to create and finds all kinds of colors that were right outside her front door. At the end of the day when her mother offers to return the crayons, Liza has had so much fun that she declines, opting to go one more day without them. This is a great “get out of the house!” book. Kick your kids out of the house and into the backyard to play and explore. Or if you are like me, kick yourselves out of the apartment and head to the park. Art is all around us, we just have to open our eyes and minds.
3. Katie Meets the Impressionists by James Mayhew: Grandma and Katie head to the art museum on Grandma’s birthday. Looking at a Monet painting that has a garden, Katie closing her eyes thinking of how much Grandma would like a bouquet of flowers for her birthday. When she opens her eyes, Katie is in the painting! On Katie’s quest for the flowers she has quite the adventure. She befriends Monet’s son, steals Monet’s paintbrush (completely by accident, of course),wreaks havoc in a Renoir garden, goes on a picnic, gets chased by bees, finds herself on stage dancing in front of a packed audience. She leaps from the final Degas painting and gives Grandma the bouquet of flowers she recieved from her impromtu dance recital. It is never too early to introduce your kiddo to the classics. After reading this book, AB went on a watercolor kick created a nice rendering of flowers that now hangs in her Grandmommy’s office. Impressionists, indeed.
4. Olivia by Ian Falconer: This one is a modern classic. The life of this precocious piglet fits a great deal of preschoolers, including my own, to a T. The exaggerations. The negotiations. The exhaustion. Degas makes an appearance in this book as well.  After a rainy day visit to the museum and looking at her favorite Degas, Olivia sees a Pollock drip painting and attempts to recreate it on her wall at home. Time out. Apparently, Falconer does his illustrations before he writes the text, so the story can be told by the illustrations alone. He does this specifically for the kiddos who cannot read yet. So he gets kudos for that. Who knew that black ,white and red could be so effective. The Nick, Jr. cartoon spin-off is great. The theme song is catchy as all get out and calls for extreme no-inhibitions silly dancing.

Happy reading!

AB’s Bookshelf.

I’m not a big fan of reality. Let me escape into a good book or film anyday as opposed to having to interact in the real world. But alas as I have started my two new jobs over the past two weeks, I have gotten a big fat dose of the medicine called reality. Therefore, I decided that this edition of the kiddo’s bookshelf should include some big helpings of healthy imagination.

1. Adventure Annie Goes to Work written by Toni Buzzeo and illustrated by Amy Wummer:  Saturdays are Annie’s day for adventures. She’s even got the perfect outfit complete with advernture cape and sparkle tights. But when Adventure Annie’s mom has to go into work to find an important report that has been misplaced, Adventure Annie finds herself on a Big Report Treasure Hunt. Annie makes a humongous mess, but finds the missing  gold report. “Adventure Annie to the Rescue!” Bringing your kid to the office is inevitable. Your kiddo will be sick but you have to hand something in or child care falls through or as in Annie’s mother’s case, you were the last one to handle something of importance. And offices are always way more interesting when you’re a kid, even if it’s boring. A kid can turn the most mundane setting and make it magical. Case in point: Annie does not want to sit at the desk and draw at her mom’s desk, she wants to go on a treasure hunt which requires her to get into stuff including supply closets and other people’s offices. Sure when you bring your kid to work, you get your work done, but you also spend the same amount of effort cleaning up after them. Oh, the joys of working parenthood.
2. When Louis Armstrong Taught Me Scat written by Muriel Harris Weinstein and illustrated by R. Gregory Christie: It is hard to find children’s books for the preschool crowd that serve as introductions to various subjects. Most of the ones that I come up are too wordy. AB’s attention per page is quite short, but I want to expose her to various things that will lead to our fun discussions. So I am always on the lookout. This book was perfect. A little girl is visited in her dreams by Louis Armstrong who teaches her to scat by singing about bubble gum. It is goofy and fun. There were many giggles over our imitations of Louis Armstrong gravel and our own attempts at scat. Then we danced around to his classic duet with Ella, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”.
3. Blueberry Girl written by Neil Gaiman and illustrated by Charles Vess: Neil Gaiman is prolific and splendiferous (and I am still bitter that we were left empty-handed when his Lit Fest event this weekend sold out with a quickness) . He wrote Blueberry Girl for Tori Amos when she was pregnant with her daughter Tash, which I found super sweet and it made the book even more endearing. Read this book, with great illustrations by Mr. Vess, with  “Ribbons Undone” from Tori’s The Beekeeper album on repeat softly in the background and have a little mother-daughter cuddle time. Blueberry Girl and Someday byAlison McGhee are two books that should help ensure that creepy Love You Forever is banished from bookshelves and baby showers everywhere.
4. Once Upon A Saturday by Leslie Lammle: Ah, those dreaded Saturday chores.  June uses her imagination to tackle the tasks that stand between her and  wild animals, lost treasure and learning how to fly.  She finds an alligator (or is it a crocodile?) in her oatmeal. A crow teaches her how to fly to the mailbox. She gets a helping hand from the wind while sweeping leaves from the porch steps. Last but not least, she drives out the monsters living under her bed. She accomplishes all of this wearing an adorable pink dress and pilot goggles. A-dor-a-ble. Ms. Lammle is one of those double threats who can write a great story and do kick-ass illustrations. The illustrations were just plain awesome.  I would love to get prints of some and to frame and put in AB’s room. A nice reminder that chores can be really fun if you just use your imagination. Hey, I still pretend that I’m playing “house” when I wash the dishes, cook dinner and other domestic activities.  A spoonful of sugar…

Happy reading!

Sotomayor Mania.

Barry picked Judge Sonia Sotomayor as his nominee to the Supreme Court to replace Justice Souter (who is hightailin’ it out of DC to his beloved New Hampshire like his backside is in flames). Let’s dig into Sotomayor Mania, shall we?

• She’s female. Woot!
• She’s Hispanic. Double woot!
• She’s been the nearly 20 years that she had been on the bench, no dusty skeletons have tumbled from her closet. (There will be no pesky nanny taxes this time, Repubs, so take that!) Whew!
• She appears to be in good health. Double whew! The luxurious chesnut locks do not lie.
• Prof. Carter likes her.
• But, the conservative blogosphere disagrees. Surprise surprise, but they’re scraping at the bottom of the barrel.
• At least Sen. Olympia Snowe is playing fair. I always did have a good feeling about her.  

Good job, Barry. Keep up the good work. (Though you could have sent the annoucement e-mail this morning as opposed to this evening, you know, make your fans supporters feel like they’re in the loop. Food for thought, buddy.)

AB’s Bookshelf.

AB is a scaredy-cat.  She thinks dogs and cats are the bees’ knees from far away but as soon as they get close, she becomes stiff and shakes like a diving board that just lost its diver to the water below. (“He was going to sniff my FOOT!!!!!”) I have no idea where this fear stems from, thought I hope it is just a phase. So I try to mix in books that feature pet dogs, in the hopes that I can ease the process along. (As far as the cats, I say let them eat cake. I’ve never really been a cat person.)

Current Stack:

1. Fancy Nancy and the Posh Puppy by Jane O’Connor and illustrated by Robin Preiss Wasserman: AB est folle de Fancy Nancy. (That’s fancy for AB is crazy about Fancy Nancy.) I am crazy for Ms. Preiss Wasserman’s illustrations. (Check out her trio of You Can’t Take a Balloon to the Museum books she did with her sister. Ab fab indeed.)  Nancy acquires a new dog named Frenchy, who is not the prim papillon she initially wanted, but the perfect family dog for Nancy and the rest of the Clancys. Jane O’Connor hit the jackpot with Nancy and the emphasis on vocabluary in the series (both French and English) make her even cooler in my book.
2. Always in Trouble by Corinne Demas and illustrated by Noah Z. Jones: Emma’s dog Toby is a handful so he is sent to dog training school. This story reminded me of AB as she is an absolute angel at school but switches to wreak havoc mode when she gets home.  The illustrations are great too. They have a bit of a Sunday comics feel to them. I loved Emma’s cloud of curls while AB found it hilarious that dogs sometimes pee on carpets and chew on shoes. (“But we don’t do that, Mama, ’cause…’cause…’cause… that’s deesugiting!”)
3. Henrietta, there’s no one better by Martine Murray: This one took us a few nights to finish as it is technically a juvenile fiction book. It reminded me of Lauren Child with the use of prints and smattering of different fonts. AB liked to flip through this when we had quiet reading time and I read one of my “grown-up” books. Henrietta is a young’un with quite the imagination. She has a dog name Madge and a baby brother named Albert. She sails to the Island of Rietta in her bathtub (after dropping off Albert in the Land of One Thousand Alberts, of course.)She teaches you how to curse innocently (“Sheezamageeza!” is now up there with “I swear to Bobby!” and “Oh my heavens!”) The best part of all is she teaches you how to become an animal! This is a really fun book that was packed with enough imagination prompts to keep kiddo busy for a long while.
4. Imagine Harry by Kate and M. Sarah Klise: Now technically, there is no pet dog in this one but there is an imaginary friend names Harry who could quite possibly be a dog. Little Rabbit has a best friend Harry and they are inseprable. When Little Rabbit starts school and makes a bunch of new friends, Harry thoughtfully fades to the background until he eventually moves away. AB has yet to have an imaginary friend. There was a flirtation with a lion who lived on the ceiling fan but that never really panned out. However, she does have her stuffed cohorts, Abby Cadabby, Dora the Explorer, Princess Jasmine and Froggie (who is apparently the more literary of the group). There have been many occassions when Abby or Dora have been stuffed into her bag onthe way and promptly forgotten the minute she sees her friends at school. It is more about comfort and this book does a great job showing that those (imaginary) friends will always be there when they are needed most. Bonus: Mother Rabbit appears to be a single mom.

Happy Reading!

Perfect Job.

I just sent off my cover letter and resume for the perfect job. The perfect job that fits my skills and interests. The perject job that would be the perfect segue into children’s publishing. The holy grail of jobs.

My heart stopped when I saw this perfect job listing. I refreshed my browser a few times to ensure that it was not a figment of my imagination. My hands began to shake as I wrote the most passionate cover letter I have ever written knowing that Perfect Job was made for me.

Now I feel like a girl waiting on the phone to ring with that really cute guy at the end that you knew you were going to marry (or date for at least a year) the moment you saw him. Of course Perfect Job did not even know I existed until a few moments ago and of course I will continue looking and applying elsewhere, but that does not meant that I will not obsess over every minute detail of what Perfect Job is thinking about as it compares me to the other candidates.

But alas I am encouraged. I applied to a good number of jobs this morning that I feel would be good fits. Jobs that I would feel good about going to every single day (which is such a Me Generation concept.)

However, Perfect Job still takes the cake. I know we could be so happy together.

AB’s Bookshelf.

We’re back with some children’s books  that will interest both you and your kiddo (tested by AB and approved by moi). I have found that if you are interested in the book you are reading to your child he or she will be interested as well. If you are more engaged (i.e. more likely to do funky, funny character voices and act out parts and actually have fun doing it) and your child will be too.    Though, believe me, I understand that sometimes the energy just cannot be mustered.  That is when it’s time to break out Goodnight, Moon and the like.

Current Stack:

1. Every Friday by Dan Yaccarino – It is very easy as adults to get wrapped up in all the many things we need to check off our to do lists.  We are forever on the go. This is a story about a father and son’s weekly trip to a diner for a pancake breakfast. Simple yet endearing, it will have you racking your brain of what traditions you want to introduce to you little one. Take the time to slow down, put away the Blackberry/iPhone, turn off the computer, turn off the TV and truly have quality time.

2. Think Cool Thoughts by Elizabeth Perry and illustrated by Linda Bronson – Summer is fast approaching so pick up this book to distract from the heat. Join Angel as she camps out on the roof, counts ice cubes in the sky and dances in the rain. A magically sweet and refreshing story to remind you of the wonders of the imagination. Great bedtime read.

3. Woolbur by Leslie Helakoski and illustrated by Lee Harper – A wonderfully illustrated tale about a free thinking sheep. His refrain of “I know…Isn’t it great?” will help lessen your exasperation when you find your own little one marching to the tune of a different drummer…at the most inopportune times.

4. Gertrude is Gertrude is Gertrude is Gertrude by Jonah Winter and illustrated by Calef Brown – My favorite of this weeks stack. When I saw it on the shelf I had an immediate flashback to my freshman year in college and wanting to throw Ms. Stein and her convaluted writing  out the window.  I found her style incredibly frustrating which is why I think I enjoyed this one so much. It’s a nice introduction to modern art and literature for the kiddos.  The repetition is a huge plus. Said repetition can also lead to some tongue tied sentences which makes it all the more fun.

Happy Reading!

The End.

My first year of law school has come to an end. We survived. When I came home after my first final yesterday, I felt the tears sting my eyes before I had even placed the key in the lock. They were tears fear and worry and…just plain exhaustion. I crawled to the finish line with bruised knees, bloody knuckles and a battered brain while AB bounded across a happy carefree well-adjusted preschooler.

Now what?

I have absolutely no idea. I have zero motivation. Well, I do have an iota of motivation. Rent for the apartment and tuition for AB. And let us not forget food, phone and internet. But aside from that I have no desire to work.

So I have decided to take a day or two. Decompress from one of the hardest years of my life and figure out what I really want to do with this life. Right now. 1 year…5 years…10 years from now.

It’s reevaluation time, folks.

Subway Madness.

Getting a young child to behave on public transportation is no easy feat. It is akin to traveling on an airplane with a preschooler every single day, twice a day. Kids are prone to yell, stand on seats, touch other passengers (especially hands and backs of heads), make rude comments about other passengers (“She is being too loud.” “She is stinky.”), sneeze/cough without covering mouths (usually on other passengers), etc. Or wait, maybe that’s just my child. 

But we don’t have a car and we are certainly not going to walk everywhere. So train and/or bus it is. I have found the key is to be prepared. I always have a mini bag of tricks on hand to keep her entertained.

The Transportation Kit includes: 1 book of her choosing, 1 small coloring book, a baggie with 5 crayons, my iPod loaded with at least 1 kid game, 1 kid tv show, and 1 kid movie, and a snack (usualy fruit or goldfish).  All of this fits into her bag/backpack (minus the iPod, of course) and she feels like a big kid. Plus, it stays in her cubby at school, so I don’t have to lug it around with me at school.

Now, there have been days when she has rejected all items in the Kit. Lately, she has become quite content with looking out the window and singing nonsensical (to me anyway) songs to herself. There are days where her refrain at every stop on the way home is “I want McDonalds!” There are even days where she yells and scream. Those are the days where we get off at the next stop and she promptly gets a time out. It might take us longer to get home, but as with all things parental, the magic lies in consistency.

The result is that 80% of the time, we have a nice  (dare I say enjoyable?) ride.

AB’s Bookshelf.

One of the things I am most proud of is that I am raising book nerd just like myself. There are tons of great children’s books out there. However, there are also a lot of books that do not lend themselves to repeat readings (which is essential) and have bland illustrations. I feel it is our duty to help you separate the flowers from the weeds.

Current Stack:

1. Llama Llama Mad at Mama by Anna Dewdney : Both little ones and parents alike will see themselves in this tale of Llama Llama having a meltdown in the Shop-o-Rama. Great jumping off point for discussing how not to act in the store.
2. Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems: Perfect read for city dwellers. Plus three-time Caldecott Honor winner Mo Willems is just plain awesome.  The book is relatively short with great pictures which makes it a great bedtime read (especially when you are exhausted and don’t think you can make it through the 72 pages of Green Eggs and Ham.)
3. Freckleface Strawberry by Julianne Moore and illustrated by LeUyen Pham: Kiddo does not have to have freckles to enjoy this book. LeUyen Pham is one of my favorite illustrators (check out Grace for President.)
4. Crocs! by David T. Greenberg and illustrated by Lynn Munsinger: A cute tale  about a little boy escaping the critters of the city when some unexpected visitors arrive. There is a delightful surprise toward the end that cracks AB up every time.

Happy reading!

Bubble Burst.

My summer funding did not come through. So, now I have to turn down the internship back in the Bay Area (that I was extremely excited about) and find a paying position in Chicago as soon as humanly possible.

And take two more finals.

No wonder people go for the big firms. Money = security. While that does not equal happiness, I think it does equal some semblance of peace of mind. At least that it what I shall keep telling myself until I am a salaried employee once more.

Me Gone Wild.

This week I have been afforded the chance to play an amazing game of make believe.

This week I have been neither a mother nor a law student but a young writer living on Chicago’s North Side. I have been whistled at and honked at appreciatively. I have searched for the perfect Cafe Americano. I have flirted with various cute boys at coffee shops and bookstores.

This week I have read Bret Easton Ellis and Jay McInerney and longed for a time when authors were given the same status as movie and rock stars. Inspired by the possibility of such an era’s return, I have written and written and written.

This is me gone wild.

Pretty Dress.

“I wear my pretty dress?”

“Yes, you’ll wear your pretty dress.”

She dutifully took her bath with the promise of the pretty dress hanging before her on the door. An iridescent burgundy frock with embroidered green flowers and a brown sash. She suffered silently as I put not one, not two, but three pairs of tights on her. She stood looking in the mirror as I gathered her curls into a ponytail.

“Now, I get my pretty shoes?”

“Yes, you can go get your pretty shoes.”

She scurried off to put on her patent black shoes with just enough heel to give the satisfying clip-clop on the floor. She returns triumphant with her treasures on the correct feet. We put on our coats and gloves. She waits by the door as I search for the keys.

“In the hallway I’ll be shhhhh, okay, Mama?” She preempts my daily reminder meant to prevent the neighbors from the annoyance of a screaming toddler stomping through the building.

All of the pretty preparation must have been too much. She fell asleep on the train ride. Various riders smiled down upon her. The pretty girl in the pretty dress wearing the pretty shoes, sleeping so prettily.

Suit up, ladies.

Every law student should own a black suit. Specifically, women should have a black skirt suit, black hose, white shirt, black heels.

This semester I have observed various classmates suited up. The reasons vary from interviews for summer employment to legal writing conferences.  They all love it, no matter how they may complain.

Why? Because they look like real lawyers. Or so they think.

In reality, they look like little girls playing dress up in their mothers closet.

The suits are wrinkled and ill fitting. The shoes are horrendous ranging from “fuck me ”patent leather pumps to scuffed brown loafers.

I cannot lie. Part of the reason that I have chosen this profession is because of the suits. Perhaps I am a part of the minority.

“I’m going into public interest. Why do I put on the conservative monkey suit?”  Because not all public interest lawyers are crunchy granola types and you want to be taken seriously.

“Why not a brown/khaki suit? ” They show wrinkles and stains more easily and they make you look like you are going on a safari.

“But I can’t walk in heels!” Then you should start practicing. Walk around your apartment. Believe me, it gets easier with practice. However, too high a heel is not professional, it can look downright hookerish. You can experiment with color once you get the job. Do not fear though, there are some really cute black options out there. All you have to do is look. 

“Ummm, panty hose? I don’t own panty hose.” No hose, no goes.  Bare legs are not professional. You can get around this with a pant suit and tasteful trouser socks. However, I would keep the skirt and black hose in the closet for the really important days.

I guarantee that following this little tips will greatly improve your self esteem going into these interviews and meetings.  When you feel that you look good, then you feel good, and when you feel good, then you perform better.

So suit up, ladies.

My Funny Valentine.

My valentine sports wayward pigtails, a pink Hello Kitty bathrobe and a runny nose. She is pleased as punch with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut in the shape of a heart with a Hershey’s Kiss on top. So easy to please, this valentine of mine.

“You want to see my funny face, Mama?”
I nod. She puckers her lips, furrows her eyebrows and then dissolves into giggles. Oh, how I love her funny face. Her sunny, funny face.

I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love with a wonderfu gal.

Hard Work.

Mothering is hard work. I want to say that single mothering is even harder, but that is probably not true. It is just harder in a different way.

Lately, I have been bemoaning the frustration of having to do everything myself, with relief. There is no partner to come tap me out of the ring that is mamahood.

Then I think about how it was when the partner was around. He added more stress than relief, so we are much better off without. However, I know that there are fathers/husbands/partners out there who are wonderful. And I want one. Really badly.

But unless he is going to fall out of the sky into my lap, I am going to be partner-less for awhile. I have accepted this fact. I have no energy whatsoever to expend upon dating and looking for a potential mate.

I keep thinking that soon I will get everything under control and there will be a set routine. I keep waiting for there to be a break. But there is not. I feel overwhelmed with school work and AB.

So what do I do to make myself feel better? I daydream about Shia LaBoeuf (who I am convinced is the only man for me) coming into our lives and sweeping AB and me off to blissful happiness. (The detailed version involves me writing an amazing book, him being amazed by my amazing book, and as a result, being amazed by me, the amazing woman who wrote the amazing book and needing to start an amazing love affair that will last the rest of our amazing lives…with lots of amazing brothers and sisters for amazing AB a la the Jolie-Pitts).

Sadly, this fantasy works wonders on my mood.

Ousted.

Peace out, Blago.

Professorhood.

I have made the decision that I want to become a professor. This coming from the girl who never speaks unless called upon, shuns study groups and rarely attends office hours. However, I think that I would be really good at it.

Now how in the world to I go from here (frazzled 1L single mama) to there (cool calm and collected in-demand law prof)?

Fletcher.

Fletcher walked straight from the pages of The Preppy Handbook. He wears sherbet –colored collared shirts of the dress and polo variety with jeans and Topsiders. Though he did wear flip-flops for as long as the weather would allow. When the weather turned particularly foul, the brand spanking new Timberland boots were broken out. A Christmas give from his mother, no doubt.
His straight straw colored hair is usually covered by a Chicago Cubs baseball cap. When it is not, his hair is his hair combed meticulously to the side.
He sits in the same seat for every class. Last row, aisle seat. He contributes in every class, expressing staunchly close-minded Republican views. But, Fletcher is smart.
Born and raised in Florida, he graduated from University of Miami with a degree in finance which he carries on his sleeve as evidence of his future Master of the Universe status. “Fletch”, as his friends call him, is obsessed with sports, especially college sports. While other students may discuss the reading before class, he and his buddies discuss the various football, baseball and hockey games that were on the night before.
Fletch takes his notes on a yellow legal pad. Occasionally he will bring in his MacBook Pro with the prominent Miami Vice wallpaper and play Tetris or check the espn.com if he starts to get bored.
He was pigeon-holed the moment he stepped foot in the classroom. Yet his subsequent behavior proved that sometimes first impressions can be correct. The public interest clique, comprised of the curly-haired voluptuous Latinas and pink-mohawked feminists and pixie-sized hippie chicks, dismissed him without a second glance. Though, there was no love lost. After his particularly offensive statements (usually regarding immigration or poverty) the girls exchange glances, shake their heads and mouth “What a douche!”

Grades.

Law School/Mama:
The new semester starts tomorrow. I didn’t get my grades from first semester last Thursday. They were alright. They didn’t completely suck, but I definitely didn’t do as well as I wanted to.

2008 was full of firsts and it was completely imbalanced. I spent so much time feeling guilty, overcompensating and then shutting down, only to start the cycle over again, that I didn’t do very well on the parenting end or the student end.

I’ve gotten many compliments on AB from her hair to her politeness. But get her back home in the apartment with just me and she can just turn into a little terror. Aside from the normal toddler tantrums, it is my fault due to my lack of consistency and routine (which I believe also contributed to my alright grades).

Law School/Mama Grade: C+

Lit Star:
This aspect of my life fared a bit better as I met a couple of awesome authors and read more than a handful of awesome books. However, my writing fell completely to the wayside.

My sister and I have made a pact for 10 submissions in 2009. 5 by the end of June and another 5 by the end of December.

The New Yorker has declared January National 2666 Reading Month and I have wholeheartedly jumped on board. I got the boxed set of three paperbacks for Christmas which has proved much less daunting than the gargantuan hardcover one volume of 900+ pages.

Outside of my school work, I will be writing and reading everyday. I apologize in advance for what are likely to be a good deal of mundane and frankly boring posts, but hopefully there will be some good stuff buried somewhere in there.

Lit Star Grade: B-

Bottom line: I’ve got a lot of work to do.

Update.

My first semester of law school is over.

My 2 year old is now a 3 year old.

My bank account is officially depleted and credit card maxed.

I’m exhausted.

Yet, surprisingly happy.

Barry and Bill.

I woke up at 12:30 am thinking about the election.

So much is at stake. I have always been a political junkie and I haven’t felt this sure about a candidate since Clinton in 1992. (Bush I just seemed so dishonest…if only I knew what was in store with W.).

Bill was exciting, fun and insanely smart. He was the spark to my political awakening. I called it in Mrs. Hope’s 4th grade class when I wrote down on the wide-ruled paper in my childish script “Bill Clinton will win.” The man had me with the word “Hope”, while Bush bounced me out with “Read my lips.” Did I care about taxes? No, but I cared about liars.

Now Barry comes along when I have become more sophisticated, jaded, and cynical thanks to my spiffy political science degree and eight years of W. We were so excited when he spoke at the DNC in 2004. He was exciting, fun and insanely smart. Whodathunk. But my heart still lay with the Clintons, so I was Hillary all the way, when the primary season rolled around. (I’m not bitter though as I have a feeling that she’ll hold an important place in his administration because yes…he is going to win.) So instead of Hillary, I am getting Michelle.  Dearlord, I loves me some Michelle. They are my JFK and Jackie O (’cause let’s face it, Hillary was no Jackie).

Then there is the other factors. I believe him more because he has kids and I believe him more because he is of mixed heritage like AB. And oh, I cannot forget his astute judgement in picking a candidate who actually adds substantively to his ticket. (Joe’s got love for the single parents – that moment in the VP debate was awesome).

Plain and simple, I believe him.

While the Clintons still hold a place in my heart, I have made room for the Obamas as well.

The city’s gonna be crazy tonight and while I am going to avoid Grant Park like the plague, I am going to try and have AB stay up to watch the results. My budding politico chants ”Obama for President” and actually sat through a substantial portion of “The War Room”. I am so proud.

Exciting, fun and insanely smart, folks. That is what I want and that is what I’m gonna get. Hoorah.

Nikki Giovanni.

On Saturday, I was in the presence of the great Nikki Giovanni.  She was at Women and Children First bookstore in Andersonville promoting her new children’s books, Lincoln and Douglass, and Hip Hop Speaks to Children. I had this reading on my calendar for weeks. So excited.
I thought, how great will it be to expose AB to such a great artist at such an early age. I am such a culture mother. Yet, it was a disaster. I was too ambitious. Granted AB had been at a birthday party half an hour earlier where I had allowed her to run around like a banshee.  She repeatedly climbed on the stage when Ms. Giovanni was talking. Eventually she settled in a corner that had toys.  The final straw was when she attempted to climb on a bookshelf to get to the new Charlie and Lola book. I had to climb on stage grab her and walk on the store with her wailing at the top of her lungs. I was so angry and humiliated that I was on the verge of tears. I finally lost it in the alley around the corner from the store as I frantically called my family members, desperate to talk to someone.

I felt like a total failure as a parent. I was beyond mortified.

But Ms. Giovanni did not let me down.  She was incredibly gracious and kind.  She expressed sadness that we had to leave. (AB was the only child of color there.) When AB was first getting fidgety, Ms. Giovanni said that it would be okay for her to go up on the stage and stay there while she spoke. But her kindness increased my humiliation.  I just kept thinking, “How could such a thing happen in front of such a awesome person?”

However, the incident was a long time coming over the course of the week, as I felt my temper getting shorter and my stress level rising. Combine this with her skipped nap and we were a walking powder keg.

This was a lesson learned. I have visions of AB growing into a great strong, amazing, and intelligent woman and how embarassed she will be when I tell the story of our first encounter with Ms. Giovanni. But we shall redeem ourselves.  No worries.

Sunday Papers.

• Colin Powell endorses Obama!
• Warren Buffett’s op-ed in the New York Times.
• Angelina Jolie is not America’s Sweetheart.
• Palinmania and the “Sarah Dude”
• President Sarkozy is headed for Camp David.
• Democrats backed into a corner because she’s a girl?

Cookie Kidsfest Chicago.

One of my favorite magazines, Cookie, hosted an event at the River East Arts Center here in Chicago.  After missing our stop on the bus and riding to the end of the line and back (with a very cute bus driver…hehe), we arrived and proceeded to fest it out. AB decorated a tasty elephant cookie, read Where the Wild Things Are, painted a giraffe, colored a lemon tree, made a button, got a manicure while listening to the rockin’ sounds of Milkshake, entered to win a new Quinny stroller (*swoon*) or Maxi-Cosi car seat, colored some more,  played house/market, and waited in line for a few minutes to take a picture with a real live monkey (!) before deciding it would be too scary (“Monkey scare me, Mommy!”).

Showing off her new manicure.

Coloring intensely for the car seat contest entry.

Not exactly sure what she was going for here.

My little businesswoman.

Good times. Well done, Cookie.

Yay!….and Nay.

Yay!: Today is the culmination of two months of planning and coordinating.  Read for the Record is an event to raise awareness of the importance early childhood education through the largest shared reading experience across the country. They are attempting the break the world record that they set last year, and I am sure that they surpass it many times over.

Nay.: Now I must vent. I have been handling my AmeriCorps work remotely due to law school. Since I am not there this year, my counterpart at the library is doing the groundwork for me.  She left me a voicemail yesterday asking me to resend the forms that I had previously sent to one of the sites, along with some clarification on the process because the site coordinator was a bit confused.  So I did as she had requested but forgot to cc her. This morning I sent a great pep email to everyone wishing them luck with their events and thanking them. Yet when I get out of class, I see that she has resent the forms to all of the site participating.  However, she forgot to attach them leading the the subsequent “Oops forgot the attachments” email. Now in both of the emails, she included an email that I had sent to just one site regarding information to their specific site. In addition she failed to attach a generic sign-in sheet. I had sent everyone individual ones tailored to their site and I am hoping against hope that they are not confused by and think that the do not need the sign-in sheet because it is one of the most important pieces. I understand why she did it, but I found it unbelieveably sloppy and unprofessional. I have no problem with her resending the forms, but she could have taken to minutes to reformat the e-mail and make sure that the necessary components, that she was so worried that people were missing, were included.  I sent her an email explaining that I had already resent the form to the person who really needed it but it couldn’t hurt for everyone to have it again. *sigh*

Back to studying I go.

Back to School Bust.

AB’s first Back to School Night was the evening. My expectations were way to high. Then I got there and was very underwhelmed. There was an activity and ice cream.

My suspicions were confirmed however, that my kid is the tattletale of the group. She holds a grudge and hates when others don’t follow the rules. Her teacher told me that she is always the first to let her know when someone is doing something they shouldn’t be doing, but apparently this is a good thing because she is using her words. Mmmhmm. She still talks about how my dad ate the last of her ice cream at a rest stop on our drive out here two months ago!  Out of the blue she will look at me and say in a very hurt voice, “Grandpa ate my ice cream.”

The new refrain is the result of a bossy girl at the bookstore on Saturday who took Annabelle’s seat toward the end of storytime. AB’s behind was still half on the chair when the other little one decided that she was going to help AB along by gently pushing her out of it. When confronted by other kids, AB tends to freeze up and stare at the other kid like they have sprouted a second head.  We were getting ready to leave anyway, so I didn’t make a big deal of it. Yet, the incident has stuck with her. Since then she has mentioned it to me about a dozen times. Tonight, before she fell asleep she told me, “The girl took my chair.” 

Now when she first started talking about it Saturday afternoon, I had a total parenting moment where I explained that it wasn’t very nice of the girl to take Annabelle’s chair and that next time she should say, “Please don’t take my chair.” It’s all about the manners, folks.  You gotta start young. So now when she tells me about the girl taking her chair half the time she adds, “And I say, ‘Please don’t take my chair.”

Now if only I can get her to stop picking her nose and eating it…

Domesticity.

Instead of heading to the library after dropping AB off at school, I went back to the apartment and did mydomestic duties (laundry, dishes, putting away toys, etc.). Basically, I did all the things that are incredibly frustrating to do when she is around and that I am too tired to do once she is asleep.

I have come to the realization that I do enjoy doing these things, especially laundry. (It is very calming and satisfying to fold clothes fresh from the dryer).  I cooked dinner yesterday and actually had fun while doing it.

I only feel this way because it is just the two of us. Throw another adult into the mix and I guarantee you that I would not be feeling so rainbows and butterflies about it.

Junot Diaz.

I had the great pleasure of meeting the coolest nerd ever, Junot Diaz. He is the author of my favorite short story, “How to Date a Brown Girl (Black Girl, White Girl or Halfie)” and he recently won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. for The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao.

“Hi, I’m Junot.” He introduced himself by name to each and every person in line. That was just one of his many endearing qualities. 

He didn’t sit at the table they had set up for him, but stood at the edge of the stage. He was much more physical than most authors. He’s a kisser. (Double kiss, both cheeks.) He’s a hugger. He’s a hand shaker. He’s a shoulder grasper.

He has a particular form of speech. He has a habit of ending his statements with “yeah?”. He has the mouth of a sailor interlaced with hip hop slang and ”wait a minute, let me get my dictionary” kind of words. He’s genuine.

And his intelligence. I am truly in awe of his intelligence. He is absolutely brilliant.

I want him to be my friend. I have a feeling he would be a great friend.

I am.

I am a mother.

I am a single.

I am a law student.

I am in love with Chicago.

I am happy.

Yet…

I am lonely.

Crisis #1.

The kid and I have been in the swing of our new schools and life for about a week now. And of course on this anniversery of sorts, something has to go completely and utterly wrong.

AB hit a fever of 102 degrees yesterday at lunchtime.  I missed the calls. The crazy, yet ingenious, thing about law school is that they have lockers. I had left my bag (with my phone) in my locker. Therefore, I did not have it with me during my classes and missed the crucial call about my child getting sick. This led the school to call all the numbers on th emergency list in order to get a hold of me, including the law school! Now I look like an incompetent parent.

To add insult to injury, AB has to stay out of school for at least one day. Are you kidding me? My first assignment is due today and I have a mandatory class! I had no backup plan for such a case of a sick child. Give me a break, it’s only been a week. I was on the verge of tears as I carried my hot and whiny child to the subway. I realized how utterly alone we were in this city. 

Thankfully, my aunt lives in a southern suburb and was able to come to get her and watch her for today. I am longing for my previous childcare situation. She would have given AB some Tylenol and continued on. But I guess this is the real world. Your kid gets sick from being at the school around the other kids and then gets banished.

Therefore, our cherry has been popped.  Crisis #1 is under our belt. Things should go smoothly from now on, right?

We’re Here…

and I’m exhausted, yet wide awake. For the second night in a row. 

So the kid, my dad and I made the ridiculously long trek to Chicago in a rented SUV and arrived yesterday evening. I now sit on the floor of my new apartment surrounded by boxes, suitcases, my sleeping kid and my sleeping dad, typing away on my brand new laptop (woohoo!) feeling completely overwhelmed and in over my head.  And I haven’t even started school yet. Boo-hiss.

Today was a shopping spree for the apartment, which would have been a lot of fun had I not been the one paying for it. My pockets are a lot lighter, my friends. My sleeper sofa does not arrive until next Saturday, therefore this fabulous hardwood floor and I have become fast friends.

AB appears to be…adjusting.  The tantrums are a bit more frequent and her schedule is completely off. Of course, I am the one who is supposed to set that schedule but it is a bit difficult when I am a bit discombobulated myself.  The biggest issue has been that she is just so loud. This was not a problem at my parents house in the suburbs where the only people who could really get annoyed was my family or in Massachusetts when her infant cries were softer and could be easily soothed. The only logic behind tantrums are that the kid didn’t get her way about something  and the thought of being a pushover mom makes me cringe. I’m sure it will get better once she starts school and we get into a routine.

Tomorrow (or rather today) is School Day.  First we visit her preschool then it’s off to the law school so I can handle administrative stuff, buy books and hopefully get excited again about this whole thing.

Then on Friday, my dad leaves and I am all on my own. *gulp*.

Moving Pains.

For the past few weeks I have been going back and forth on how exactly I plan on moving to Chicago with AB: to drive or to fly?

While flying seems the cheaper way with the cost of gas as it is, by driving I would be able to take a great deal more of our stuff and will not have to worry about the logistics of getting various things while I am there.  So overall it seemed like the better investment.

AB still has yet to grasp that we are moving to a new city, that she will be leaving Kamora (her bestest friend in the whole wide world), and that she will be starting school. 

We leave on Sunday. Therefore I have roughly 6 more days to get everything squared away here.  I have been “packing” for a few weeks now.  In reality, I feel like I have just been moving stuff around. We have just accumulated so much stuff. 

This is a brand new start for us.  This has been the first time that we have lived alone. After I left her father, I moved back in with my parents. So, in a way, it has never been just me and her.

My excitement is coupled with trepidation as I think about my classmates. I recieved and e-mail from one the mentors that the Student Body Association matched me up with and she’s younger than me! I have only been out of school for two years, but I am already feeling like I’m over the hill. I worry about missing out on the bonding that inevitably happens over drinks in the evenings. I’m going to need to find a good babysitter with a quickness. Give me a break, my social life has been considerably lacking for the past three years. 

Who knows maybe I’ll even start dating. *Gasp*

Free.

Friday was my last day at my job that I have had for the past two years.  It was made even sweeter by the fact that my (former) boss was out of the office. I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

It was very refreshing to wake up without the sense of dread. I awoke without an alarm clock and prepare my coffee and read leisurely.  The kid got an extra hour of sleep and woke up in a great mood. All around happy morning. Now I understand that part of this is psychological.  I was obviously unhappy with my job therefore I was letting that unhappy feeling permeate the rest of my life. But no more.

I have been itching to get out of my own again. I am ready to stand on my own. For months, I have been daydreaming and planning about the life that I plan to create for AB and I once we get to Chicago. Any limitations in the future will be those that I have placed on myself.  I am free.

Chicago Bound.

Surprise surprise, I love Chicago and I love my new school. Everyone is just so goshdarn helpful.

Wednesday was a extremely long day, but I am proud to say that I found the perfect preschool for AB, plus a great apartment thanks to the help of supercool agent Jill at Apartment People.  Our new neighborhood is Edgewater, which is true to it’s name and really close to the lake. It has two large parks nearby and is on a treelined street.  I heard birds chirping as we walked up to the building, I kid you not. It is small, but considering that it is just me and the kid, I believe it will do quite nicely. It is within my budget and it includes heat and electric. Score. Now, it is a good 30 minute train ride from school.  But, the train is right around the corner and both my school and AB’s school are blocks within a train stop, so all systems go on the transportation end of things.

I cannot wait to bring the kid to her new school. It was all that I could have hoped for and more.  They have the whole second floor of their building.  There is a security guard.  They have a chef.  They have both an indoor and outdoor playground.  There were plenty of books, toys and activities.  At the end of the day you receive a written report of what activities your child participated in, what she ate, when she slept and which of the activities she liked the best. As the director gave me the tour, she knew all of the kid’s names, as well as the parents. Very hands on.  The best thing was that all of the kids looked happy. Double score.

So far, so good.

25 Part II.

I hit the quarter century mark yesterday.

There were two gifts which made my day absolutely fantabulous.  The first was my new camera. Ain’t it purdy?

The second was a mini shopping spree at Steve and Barry’s, which is my new favorite store. Majority of everthing is $8.98 or less. I absolutely love the Sarah Jessica Parker line, Bitten.  Now, I was dismayed to read of the financial troubles that the retailer was having. I think it’s a matter of expanding in  brick and mortar too quickly combined with a disconnect between advertising and availability.  If they started selling their clothing online there is no telling how far they could go.  I was shocked by the quality and the price. I felt like the woman in the IKEA commercial yelling, “Start the car! Start the car!” when I realized how many cute things I was able to get for a fraction of the price I would pay elsewhere.

Long live Steve and Barry’s.

Emergence.

He’s back.

On my way to drop off AB at daycare this morning, I checked my cell at a stoplight.  I had a missed call and voicemail from an unknown number.  I knew immediately it was him as he is somehow obsessed with blocking his number anytime he calls anyone. Shady. 

Well, crap in a hat.  What am I supposed to do now?  Nothing, I guess.  He had also sent me an e-mail asking after AB and why I had not written him a letter back. I responded to with an update on her and that we were moving to Chicago. I did not answer his question.  Why? Because I did not want to be mean.

Here is what I really wanted to say:

I did not write you back because I was disgusted to receive yet another letter from you with that lovely bid red County Jail stamp on the back in which you tell me how much you screwed up, how you are going to change, and how much you miss our family. Then, I was embarassed that my daughter has a jailbird for a father.  Then, I was annoyed that you still couldn’t get your act together. (Stop drinking, stop hitting women, get a job, pay your child support. That doesn’t sound that hard to me.) Then I was indifferent, because you are not my problem anymore. So, I put your letter in the box where I have all of your other special red stamp letters.  I am saving them for our daughter.  One day, I know that she will inquire as to why I left you and I will give her this box.

But I didn’t.

Nam Le.

My sister and I had the pleasure of meeting the impressive Nam Le at a reading yesterday.  He is the author of a new collection of short stories entitled The Boat.  He was so chill, unassuming, intelligent and kind. The Australian accent, his way of saying “Please” rather than ”Yes” when calling on an audience member, his incredibly thoughtful responses, his corporate lawyer past, his consciousness of the relationship between the writer, the reader, and the story, and the fact that he wore the same shirt he is wearing in the picture above, all equal me loving Nam Le.

Enough.

This evening as my boss called me not once, but twice in my off-time to complain about accounting “errors”.  He is going through a divorce right now, hence his need for an accurate report of his financials.  However, his stress about made me extremely stressed and pissed off.

I recieved the first call at my second job where he proceeded to take an hour of my time.  It was not until 45 minutes into the conversation however, that he inquired about whether I had anything more pressing to attend to. On numerous occasions I have let him know of my volunteer work, which I consider my second “job” due to the amount of hours I spend there and the stipend I receive, but he still manages to conviniently forget. I realize that this is due to his selfishness and complete lack of interest in anything I do outside of the office.  I’m surprised he even manages to remember my daughter’s name. Now, if I had taken a hour long call from my supervisor at the library during my time at his office he would have had a fit.

After the second phone call, I cried tears of frustration. I am completely drained and exhausted.  I have been working for this difficult personality for the past two years and I am so done with him and his demands.  Since I have been working with him six assistants have come and gone.  Apparently his track record was crap before me also.  During my first week, the receptionist warned me that he didn’t keep employees very long.  That’s something every employee wants to hear about their new boss, right?

I have 12 more days and then I will be free.  I will answer no phone calls and no e-mails pertaining to this office. I have done the best that I could in the time I have worked for him and prepared him for my departure the best that I could.

And that is enough.

Explosions.

Yesterday, as I sat in the tiny room in my parent’s home where all of my and AB’s worldly possessions are accumulated, I felt it closing in on me bit by bit.  Her crib (which she rarely sleeps in) seemed like it was moving toward me.  The stacks of books on the floor appeared to be growing before my eyes.  The pile of laundry spilling out of the closet that I can no longer close seemed voluminous.

Then, the kid spilled her water that she had been happily passing back and forth between two cups.

“AB! I told you to be careful! I told you not to do that! Argh!” I yelled.

She looked up at me like I was the devil.  I put her on the bed, so that I could clean up the spill.  She commenced with the wailing.

Sometimes, I feel like my head is going to explode. My anger with her father subsided awhile ago and he has been MIA since March. Even before then, his presence (the occasional phone call ever few weeks or so), was spotty to say the least.  Therefore, any anger or frustration I feel is turned inward on myself with the occasional yell at her.

 

 

25.

I am starting a new blog to go with my new “adult” mindset. I am not abandoning my old blog but I just felt it was time to start anew.

Now that I have created the opportunity for me and the kid to go it alone, I need to start thinking as a person who can go it alone with a toddler and no safety net. 

I am excited. I am scared.  I am nervous.  I am sure that I will fall flat on my face a few time, but it is all a part of the learning/growing process, right?

I turn 25 in two weeks.

Let the games begin.